


Sobriety and Cigarettes

by Jessa



Series: HM Server Prompt Fills [8]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Addiction, Alternate Universe - Human, Bonding, Depression/Anxiety, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Moderate language, Multi, Past Character Death, Past Magnus Bane/Camille Belcourt, References to substance abuse, Sexual References, Smoking, background Jace/Alec, background Magnus/Alec, driving under the influence, recollections of past road trauma, references to alcoholism, repressed_bisexual!Jace, short reads, tags will change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:28:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26264989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessa/pseuds/Jessa
Summary: Jace and Magnus just walked out of an AA meeting. Neither of them have licences anymore so they’re both waiting for a bus to take them home. They’ve been waiting a while.Inspired by the HM prompt -Where can I get those families that say, “Here, take this two million dollars and stay away from our son.”(Chapter 1, which was part of the SSSH.)Originally a one-shot Jagnus but the endgame is Malace and there is background Malec and Jalec.Each little read is just a short thing revolving around smoking and exploring the character dynamics.There are frequent references to addiction and failed attempts to get clean in this work so if that's a trigger for you please avoid this. That said, I hope you enjoy it <3
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Jace Wayland
Series: HM Server Prompt Fills [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1850245
Comments: 38
Kudos: 28
Collections: September Server Scavenger Hunt 2020





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Polarnacht made me this beautiful modboard which is so perfect for this story and I just love it so much (and hopefully this will inspire me to finish this story one of these days XD). Thank you so much Polar, it's beautiful xx

“Got a light?”

Jace only moves his eyeballs. That’s in order to eye him; the guy who says his name is _Magnus_ and that he’s been sober for two whole days. Jace has been sober for one whole day which means Magnus is already one up on Jace. So does he really want to give him a light?

“What’s in it for me?” he asks. His hands still deep in the pockets of his hoodie. He can feel the Bic lighter in there. Jace stares at the black painted nails and the rings that adorn the fingers Magnus deftly holds his unlit cigarette between. “Aside from you maybe giving me a smoke,” Jace adds. “Think that'd be a fair trade, don’t you? A light for a smoke sure sounds fair to me. Can’t get something for nothing now, can you.”

“Sure, darling,” Magnus says, slipping his free hand inside the breast pocket of his sleeveless blue denim jacket, flipping the top on the slim carton and offering Jace a smoke.

Jace accepts it and withdraws the Bic from his pocket. He sparks the flint. Magnus slips the butt of his smoke between his lips and leans into the flame of Jace’s Bic. Sucking sharply on the butt to light the end of his cigarette.

“Where can I get those families that say,” Magnus begins through the end of the inhalation, the butt caught between his lip and teeth as he speaks; and it jiggles as he talks, and then the smoke billows around him in the cool early-spring air with each word he exhales, “Here...take this two million dollars and stay away from our son.”

Jace snorts. Wrinkling his nose in satisfactory disgust at the way his own smoke burns his nostrils. “Oh my god,” he chuckles. “Sounds like your family and my family should get together and go bowling.”

“You look far too young to be mis-quoting that film,” Magnus says, pulling the butt from between his lips. He’s almost two-thirds down the cigarette. Jace is impressed.

“You look far too interesting to be an accountant,” Jace quips. 

Magnus cocks an eyebrow at him. “Are all unemployed people as funny as you are, Jace?” he quips back. 

Jace narrows his eyes, regretting his decision to offer Magnus his lighter but not the decision to barter him for a free smoke. “I’m not really unemployed,” Jace says back.

“I’m not really an accountant.” Magnus smiles.

They stare at each other in the evening for a minute. Crows are calling in the fading light. Jace and Magnus listen to their cries as they smoke until Magnus pulls another from his carton and lights it with the butt of the one he’s just finished. Stubbing the stained filter on the edge of the bin by the bus stop. Flicking it into the garbage. 

“You know,” Magnus starts up again, through the first inhalation of his second smoke, “I didn’t actually pick you for a liar, Jace. And I quite like that about you, I get it. Not the _lying_ , as such but...well...I do believe that if I were you, standing here with me at a bus stop, waiting for a _very_ late bus...I would probably not trust me either enough to tell me something truthful as well as personal about myself.”

Jace wets the inside of his mouth, which is drying out from the nicotine. He sucks his inner lower lip. He goes back to eyeing Magnus. 

“How about this then,” Magnus says, after several minutes of silence and crow-cries in the background. And by now Magnus is up to chain-smoking his third cigarette. “I flunked out of accountancy,” he says. 

Jace blinks. “ _Flunked_ out?”

“That’s right,” Magnus says. “My parents made me do it and I hated it. I’m excellent with figures, I just really hated accountancy. Working for other people is really not for me. But at least now I can run my own books. Won’t need to pay an accountant.” He winks.

“I’m painting houses right now,” Jace says. “My ex-girlfriend’s dad has this business. I mean, apprenticeships pay like absolute shit but at least they pay more than goin’ to college.”

“True,” Magnus says.

“Don’t suppose you got another smoke in that carton?”

Magnus smiles again. “Always, darling...where do you live, by the way? I don’t think this bus is _ever_ going to come for us, Jace, to be honest...but if you’re into sharing, well, perhaps you and I could maybe share an Uber home too...here...got your light?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Had some requests for a follow-up so here one is. I tried to accommodate as much of Polarnacht's prompt as I could while also working in a little more plot on the off chance I write another little snippet of this story, which is highly likely because I am growing to like this snarky little Jagnus duo quite a bit ;)
> 
> Thank you for checking this out and sorry for the re-post. Life happened. <3

There’s just enough distance left on the seat between them, in the back of the Uber, to make it okay that his boot has somehow managed to cross the floor divider between the backseats. A third person sitting back here would have to sit with their boots either side of this thing but it’s just the two of them in the back now; Jace and the guy who said his name was _Magnus_ , two days sober. 

So because there’s no one else back here now but them, there’s no reason why Magnus’ boot toe should be touching Jace’s. And there’s enough distance so there’s no reason why Jace needs to mind that his boot toe is doing such touching. Also, in the short time they’ve known each other since walking out of the AA meeting, Jace has decided to fully-form the thought that Magnus is hot. There’s just enough distance between them for that thing to be allowed too. 

“I just can’t seem to find it,” Magnus is saying to the driver. “I’m awfully sorry about this,” he adds, below his breath, to Jace. “Never _ever_ happened before.“ Then he projects his voice again. “Perhaps, driver, I could leave you with a pretty token?” He catches Jace’s eye. “Collateral. While I go inside and find my wallet.”

Jace is stone-cold sober. It’s not a great state to be in but it does mean that it’s an achievement that he hasn’t panicked about the boot toe; soothing panic is why Jace drinks and his sexuality is a large part of why Jace panics but Jace is not panicking now about that. What he is panicking about right now is the idea that he might have to pay for this whole Uber by himself. “Wait a minute,” Jace says. “Don’t you dare even think about running! You said we’d split this and I only got enough for-”

“Darling, where on earth would I run to?” Magnus asks. “We’re at my apartment, remember? I’ve not exactly got a viable place to hide here, have I? I left my wallet on the kitchen bench. Habit. I know you understand about those. Only needed the bus pass today. Rarely have the need for cards anyway. Perhaps you catch my drift.” He gives Jace a meaningful look. Then he lowers his voice again. “The vast majority of people escorting me here don’t seem to mind paying for the pleasure.”

Jace lowers his voice too. “And what’s that supposed to mean?” he hisses, even though he thinks he knows exactly what it means.

“That means, angel, that I’m used to being chaperoned.”

Jace’s stomach backflips. He glares at Magnus, hard. “I’m not chaperoning you,” he says, still attempting to keep his voice low. “I’m-”

“I’m kidding, Jason.”

Jace feels his face start to flame. His mouth’s dropped open but his mind’s gone blank. All he can think of to retort with is, “My name’s not-”

“Wait here,” Magnus says, smiling. “I promise I’ll be back in a minute. _Jace_.”

Magnus disappears and Jace glares at his own boot toe. It feels oddly lonely. He glares harder. He thinks he needs a drink. He also thinks he needs another smoke. He looks at the back of the driver’s head.

“I’m not running, alright?” he says, as he hikes the back door of the Uber open and steps outside, almost forgetting to unbuckle in his haste to get out of the claustrophobic car, and back into the cool night air. 

Out of nothing more than habit, Jace slides his fingers into the back pocket of his jeans, fumbling for smokes that aren’t there. He glares down at both of his boot toes and stuffs his hand inside the pocket of his hoodie. Takes out his Bic. Flicks it on. Sniffs the gassy vapour. Drops his thumb off the cliff of the plastic ignition and watches the feeble flame burn itself out in the dark. Waits for Magnus.

“Need a cigarette, then?”

Jace groans. The driver’s stepped out of the Uber too. Jace’s eyes flick across the asphalt to a pair of very familiar boot toes. His eyes slide up a long pair of dark jeans to a packet of an equally familiar brand of Winfields. A large thumb flips the top on the carton and the sweetly bitter scent of unlit tobacco makes Jace's heart start to race in a different way. 

Wearily, Jace looks up at Alec. He slides a fresh cigarette from his box. Alec slides a smoke out too.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning that the tags have updated since last chapter so please just check those before reading this one to avoid anything that may be triggering for you.

Jace sparks his Bic and Alec leans into the flame, cigarette already in mouth. Long fingers spread around the slim vice. There’s something about watching his dark locks through the first curls of smoke when he takes that first suck that immediately calms Jace, and he lights his own smoke and inhales, grateful for that, as Alec asks him, “So how did everything go?”

When Jace and Magnus were still at the bus stop, Magnus had suggested they do it but in the end Magnus hadn’t actually made the call to Uber, Jace had. Only Jace hadn’t made the call to Uber either. Jace had just made a call to Alec. 

“Well,” Jace says, lighting his own smoke, “It went pretty shit, Alec.” He inhales two quick, consecutive breaths, slowly letting them out as he continues. “I mean, what do you really expect me to say about how an AA meeting goes? The venue was banging? The chicks there were hot? I got a really great blowjob and no pressure after to swap numbers? And buying her a drink sure wasn’t necessary either so thanks for coming to pick me up after ‘cause it was also really great to not have to pay for an actual Uber home.” He sucks in two more breaths. “Because you’re not gonna make me really pay for this, are you? I could have run, you know. I really could.”

“Jace,” Alec sighs. “You know I know where you live.”

“Does that mean you _are_ gonna make me pay?”

“No,” Alec sighs again. “Of course not. It just means that I know where you live.”

“Well, sweet, then,” Jace says. “So... Did you make enough money already tonight? Are you done? ‘Cause if you are done then maybe we can go get a bite with that and... Well, maybe after that, I’ll crash at your place.”

“Maybe,” Alec says.

“Great. Well, let’s leave now then, before he gets back, c’mon.” He taps Alec’s arm and moves to get back inside the car, flicking the tail of his cigarette to the asphalt and stomping it out with his boot sole as he turns. Opening up the car door. “I’m starving.”

“Be serious, Jace,” Alec says, not budging from where he’s come to rest against the back of the drivers-side door. “I mean... Yeah, okay, all that is fine... You can always crash and I'll totally feed you if you need it. I'm... I'm glad you still wanna do that. Because I still do care about you as much now as before, okay? None of this is your fault, I don’t blame you. If anything, maybe I blame me. Or, it was just… Well, maybe it was just a really bad day all round, that’s all. You know what I mean? We all have them.”

Jace sighs through his nose. He puts his hands on the top of the cabin’s frame and places all his weight there. Lowering his head and staring down at the seat. His fingers are itching for another smoke already. He doesn’t say anything back to Alec. But Alec does keep talking.

“I’m proud of you, Jace,” Alec says. “I’m really, really proud of you, Jace, for doing this. Taking this first step? Because I imagine that it’s not easy. If it were easy, every alcoholic would do it and they don’t. They don’t, Jace. They really don’t.” Jace swallows and Alec keeps going. “I think you’re amazing for doing this, it takes courage. It really does. To face up to it all and try to get control back, and... Well, anyway” - Alec pauses and Jace turns his head to watch him take another neat suck from the butt of his cigarette - “I may have covered your ride tonight...again...but it seems like somebody else sure picked you up.”

Jace’s eyes flick nervously from Alec to where Magnus disappeared a few minutes ago into the apartment complex. There’s no sign of him returning yet. “He didn’t _pick me up_ ,” Jace says very quietly. “We agreed to share an Uber home.”

“Yeah?” Alec says. “And that’s all, huh?”

“That’s all.”

“Because it would be okay, you know?” Alec says. “You can get picked up by whoever you want, Jace. You can pick up whoever you want. You don't have to explain anything to me. I still love you. You know it. I’m here for you. That will never change. And maybe I have been a little bit guilty of this in the past but I am definitely not here tonight, Jace, to judge-”

“I found it.”

Jace is so startled by the sound of Magnus’ voice then that he jolts his body so hard his lower back collides with the armrest on the inside of the door, which unawares to him has closed softly behind him as he’s become engrossed in what Alec's been saying. He hurls a swear first at the pain in his back and then at the offending door. And then he has a mind to hurl a third one at Magnus but he finds, as he watches Magnus open a slim leather wallet and extract a shiny card, which he passes over the rooftop of the Uber to Alec, that he doesn’t want to swear at him. Just glare at him again. Very hard.

And also, something isn’t quite right now. Magnus has paused, the card held lightly between his first two nicotine-stained fingers. His palm at rest on the rooftop. Alec has leaned over the rooftop too but his fingers don't take the card. Alec's fingers just tease at the edge Magnus offers. And they're looking at each other. Alec and Magnus. And sharing a hold of the card. And now Jace is looking from Alec to Magnus. And back again.

“Wait a minute,” Jace says slowly. “Holy fucking _shit_.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s already on the fic I know but TW for angst in this chapter. Upset and jealous Jace (he’s gotta work through some things) and in the end Magnus and Alec are there for him. Just in case you need to avoid or save this for a better time. Thanks for checking it out <3

“You two are fucking each other,” Jace says, a new pain overtaking the one still in his lower back.

“We are not doing that actually, thank you,” Magnus answers.

“Bullshit,” Jace says. “You two are totally fucking each other, look at you-”

“Oh my god,” Alec interrupts, taking his hand off the roof of the car, the half-smoked cigarette still propped in his other, while Magnus puts his card away in silence. “Fuck you, Jace,” Alec says. "That is so not appropriate. At all. Listen, I know you’ve had a really difficult day-”

“Are you kidding?” Jace balks, rounding on Alec. “You listen, Alec. Yeah, sure, I might’ve had a shit day. And, yeah, okay, I might've fucked up but that doesn’t mean I’m stupid too. Alright? Do you actually know that? Huh? And you.” Jace points across the roof of the car at Magnus. “Oh my god, you.”

“What about me, Jace?” Magnus asks in a voice that’s annoyingly calm.

Jace doesn’t answer at first. He can’t. Maybe if there was vitriol to match his own coming back from across the roof of the Uber then a few more poorly-expressed accusations might start to force their way out of his mouth but there’s none of that. No more angry words are there on the tip of his tongue for now. Jace’s heart is pounding. He shakes his head. Eventually, he just repeats, “Oh my god.”

“My name is _Magnus_ , Jace. So there is really no need for that although I thank you for the accolade.” Jace’s jaw drops again. “I can sense you’re upset,” Magnus adds. “So, perhaps you...perhaps both of you...would like to come inside and we could all sit down and talk. Perhaps even over a drink? There are several questions I have too. You’re not the only one who’s a little confused.”

Jace glares at Magnus. It’s fast becoming a default expression. “Over a what?!” he cries, finding his voice again at the mention of drinking. What he wouldn’t give for a drink right now. “You know what?” Jace says. “You’re a liar.”

Magnus raises his brows and Alec makes more protesting sounds but Jace just goes on anyway. “Yeah, back at the bus stop,” he continues, nodding now. “You totally acted like you didn’t like liars and… And here you are, you’re… You’re lying! You’re deceptive and… And...”

“At what point have I lied to you, Jace?” Magnus asks. “Either here or at the bus stop?”

“Huh?”

“At what point have I lied to you, Jace?” Magnus repeats. And then he adds, “Apart from the accountancy thing-”

“That!" Jace says, pointing his finger across the roof of the car again. “Right there.”

“I admitted to that, it doesn’t count,” Magnus says.

“You said you were used to being chaperoned.”

“It’s not untrue, it’s just been awhile,” Magnus says. “What else have you got, darling?”

Jace frowns, suddenly finding he’s having to reach. He hasn't got anything else. “Well… Well, you invited us inside for a drink.”

“Well, that wasn’t a lie,” Magnus says. “That was an invitation. That is still an invitation-”

“But it’s deceptive! You’re supposed to be sober, two days sober, that's what you said! Or were you lying about that too? Huh? What do you do, just… Just go out to AA meetings for kicks? Huh? And… And…” 

“I didn’t mean an alcoholic drink, Jace,” Magnus says. “I meant tea. I like tea. I drink tea. I was inviting you both inside to drink tea. Okay? And no, I don’t just go to AA meetings for kicks, if you must know. If it helps you to know. If having that information reassures you.”

Jace feels his lower lip start to tremble. He clamps his teeth down hard on it and the pain makes him wince. Then he says, “Well you didn’t say…this.”

“Didn’t say what, Jace?” Magnus asks.

Jace huffs. “This,” he repeats. “You didn’t say… You didn’t say tea, alright? You said drink. And I assumed-”

“Oh, Jason-”

“For fuck’s sake, my name is not-”

“Jace,” Magnus corrects quickly. “Oh, Jace.”

Jace huffs again. “Don’t say my name like I’m some kind of idiot because that’s what started this whole-”

“I’m sorry,” Magnus says.

“Huh?”

“I said I’m sorry,” Magnus repeats. “It appears as though I may have said the wrong things to you, Jace. In the wrong ways. And I’m sorry for that. I’d like to start over. I’d genuinely like to invite you both inside for a… Well, for tea.”

“Well, that’s the other thing,” Jace grumbles. “We spent a whole ride in the back of this stupid car” - he kicks the rear hubcap on his side of the Uber - “And you never once let on that you knew Alec."

"You never once let on that you did, either.”

Jace rolls his eyes "Well, what’s that about, huh? You do think I’m some kind of idiot? Just ‘cause I told you that I paint houses? Not everybody gets the opportunity to flunk out of college.” 

“No, I don’t think you’re some kind of idiot,” Magnus says. "Actually, I think you’re very nous-y. It’s an attractive quality in you and I suggested this before to you, Jace. Do you remember that? Back when we were still at the bus stop. And it was just the two of us.”

Jace drops his voice very low. Almost as low as when he and Magnus were still inside the car. Just before Magnus had gone to get his wallet. The words shake a little on the way out. “Do you really think I would have shared a ride home with you if I knew you were fucking Alec?”

“We’re not doing that, Jace,” Alec says. “I already told you-”

“I’m not talking to you!” Jace hisses. He turns around and walks away from the pair of them. Exactly where he’s going, he has no idea. He’s just walking away from Alec and Magnus and the hubcap and the armrest and the frustration. The whole of the last ten minutes really. Maybe the whole of the last month too.

He squats down on the asphalt, his back to the car. Clasps his hands between his knees, tips his head down to hide his eyes. Glares hard at his yellow-stained fingers. The nails chewed down to the quicks. He hears boots approach and then stop, and now he can smell Alec’s cologne. Mixed with stale Winfields. Alec's arm is around his back, rubbing the sore spot. Somehow having found it.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Jace whispers, still staring down at his nails. “Why didn’t you tell me, Alec?”

“Jace,” Alec says, “I haven’t seen you in a month. It’s been an actual month. A whole one... The longest time I haven’t seen you ever, Jace... Ever since I can remember.”

“Shut up,” Jace whispers. “Please? Just…" He looks from his nails to Alec, eyes nervous. "Have you got another smoke? Or what?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW for addict Jace testing Alec’s patience. Heavy angst in the chapter so skip if you need or save for a suitable time xx

Jace flicks his Bic and cups a hand around the end of the last smoke in Alec’s box, protecting his flame and keeping the first drag slow. “So, well, why were the two of you looking at each other like that, then?” Jace asks, starting to feel soothed by the fresh supply of nicotine coursing its way through his bloodstream again. As well as by Alec beside him, sharing something with him. Something more than just his last Winfield. Secrets. Jace passes the cigarette over to Alec because, by now, he’s out. “If you’re not fucking, well, what are the two of you doing?”

Jace watches Alec inhale, then exhale smoke through his nose, twin billows; and Alec does that twice more before answering. “Just seeing each other,” he says. “You know. Because people can take it slow. _Some_ people.” 

Jace swallows. “That was low.”

“Maybe.” Alec sucks casually inward, letting vaporous wisps of smoke escape from his mouth. His eyes narrow as some of the curls sting their corners. Then Alec passes the cigarette back to Jace. “You finish it,” he urges. “And while you’re at it, maybe you could tell me why you care. After you made yourself perfectly clear, it’s...frustrating.”

“Huh?”

“You know exactly what I mean, Jace.” Alec stands up. “Don’t start this again, as though you don’t know. I’m here for you but I can only take so much of this each time.”

The sudden turn in Alec stokes panic in Jace. “Why I care?” he repeats, frowning at Alec and standing up too. But his head spins a little; he’s smoked way more cigarettes than usual today. He reaches out for Alec’s cuff, dizzy. Half to stabilise himself and half to keep Alec from leaving. Because it looks to Jace like that’s what he’s thinking of doing. All Jace can think of now is to keep Alec talking, to keep him engaged. To keep him here. “Alec, you can’t just fucking say a thing like that, and then leave. Well, at least not after what just happened. What I just saw?” Jace motions to the car with the hand still holding the half-smoked cigarette. “I’ve had a shock.”

Alec sighs. “Jace…I told you before, I love you.” His eyes look tired. “I love you,” Alec says again. “I’m here to support you and to listen to you and to come pick you up when you need it. But just because… Just because of what happened, well, that doesn’t mean that I have to stay the same as before, okay? That things can stay the same as before. I still love you but I also gotta move on too. You have to move on and fix yourself up and so do I.” Alec lowers his voice by so much that Jace has to strain now just to hear him. “To someone who’ll...” Alec shuffles his feet. “Jace, I really don’t wanna have this conversation with you here, okay? I think we should save this for another time. It’s not _right_ now, you know? You’re not... Well, you know.”

“No,” Jace says slowly. “No, I don’t know, Alec. I’m not _what?”_ Jace studies him. Then a very sick feeling starts to rise up from deep inside his belly. “Wait a minute... Are you making excuses for me because I’m in AA? Is _that_ what? Like I can’t handle having adult conversations anymore? Or some shit-”

“To someone who’ll love me back, okay?” Alec finishes. “I need to find someone who’ll love me back, Jace.”

Jace drops his cigarette. It’s not even finished and he doesn’t stub it out. He just steps over it, all that still-burning tobacco. He steps over that and straight toward Alec. Reaching up for the back of his head. But Alec's hand is at his chest, gently keeping Jace away. 

“Please don’t do this here,” Alec whispers. “I know why you’re doing it.”

“Oh, you _know_ that, do you?” Jace whispers back, his face still close to Alec’s and his hand now firmly around the back of his head. His fingers in his hair. “You _know_ that for sure?”

“Well, you’re _here_ aren’t you?” Alec says, eyes flicking around the car park. “Letting a guy you met at AA bring you home? To his home? And then calling me to _show_ me? How long have you been doing that for, anyway? Letting guys bring you home? That’s new. You know what though? I am honestly glad for you actually, Jace. I’m glad this is finally happening for you, I really am.”

“Oh my god,” Jace breathes, shaking his head and dropping his hand to Alec’s shoulder. Squeezing it. “I have said, like, a zillion times tonight that he did _not_ pick me up, _we shared an Uber_ -”

Alec snorts. “No you didn’t,” he says. “You didn’t share an Uber, you _called me_ , Jace-”

“You drive an Uber!”

“You called _me_ ,” Alec says firmly. “You started another game. And you’re still playing games with me, Jace.”

Jace tries to lean in again but Alec’s hand is still there at his chest, which is starting to feel tight. And his hands, even though they try to fill themselves with Alec, are starting to feel uncomfortably empty again. He releases the grip he’s had on Alec’s shoulder, his eyes flicking now between Alec’s and the ground. Searching for the smoke he dropped. 

“I’ve got another box in the car, I think,” Alec murmurs quietly. “Don’t smoke shit off the ground, Jace-”

“I wasn’t going to,” he grumbles, but by now his eyes have found the smoke and if Alec would just stop looking at him, for just half a second, he would definitely pick it up and pocket it for later. Through his desperation, he hears Alec chuckle and Jace homes in on him and that. “Oh, what, you’re… You’re laughing at me now?” Jace asks, genuinely incredulous. Maybe Alec’s right. Maybe he has been playing games. Maybe that isn’t fair. But for Alec to laugh at him now-

“Jace,” Alec groans, “No-”

“You are!” Jace cries, forgetting all about the cigarette. Taking a full step back from Alec, breathing hard and running both his hands through his hair. Hands that still feel horribly empty. “You know what?” he says, this time not just to keep Alec here. No games. This time meaning what he says. “I don’t wanna go _anywhere_ with you! Fuck getting a bite... I _am_ gonna stay here and it is _none_ of your business if I do! And I don’t even care if you two are _seeing_ each other, or whatever the fuck you are or are not doing, I... We… We _did_ flirt, he and I, and… And you know what, Alec? Actually? That’s good! I’m _glad_ you and him are seeing each other and that him and I did flirt! And _especially_ now that you know about it! Yeah, maybe I did do all of this on purpose because that means that, if I stay here tonight, then-”

“I’m terribly sorry to interrupt this.” 

It takes Jace a moment to realise he’s even been interrupted. He was gunning that hard towards something he’s been wanting to say, needing to say, so long. Needing to do. Alec’s eyes have left him and Jace follows them to where they’ve landed: on Magnus. Jace frowns. Something’s wrong with him. 

“Are... Are you… Are you okay?” he asks. Feeling like he recognises something in Magnus’ eyes. Jace thinks he looks as panicked as Jace feels.

“Could I borrow one of your phones?” Magnus’ eyes flick nervously from Jace to Alec, and back again. So that in the end he confesses what he does to Jace. “I think I’ve locked myself out of my apartment,” Magnus says.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for checking this out again. Usual warnings apply <3

“So, run this by us again,” Jace attempts to recount, only a little sardonically; mostly he’s genuinely here for learning just how in the hell this eventuated. “You went in-”

“I’ve _told_ you,” Magnus groans, tipping his head back and slumping his shoulders rather uncharacteristically; Jace has only known him for a few short hours but somehow that gesture doesn’t seem like one that Magnus makes very often. “I don’t _know_ how it happened. It just did.”

Jace takes this opportunity to squat down and pick up the dropped cigarette. He lights it up while glancing at Alec, who looks horrified. “What?” Jace challenges. Alec just shakes his head.

On the ground, the smoke’s been burning idly almost right down to the filter but Jace is still managing to hold it; keeping the ashen-end pointing skyward, assisting a slow burn he knows he can maintain if he’s careful enough. He tilts the inglorious stub up by just enough to get his lips underneath it, and then he sucks in a near-to-last drag. “But how can you just not know?” Jace asks through the slow exhalation that follows. “How can somebody just not know how the keys to their own apartment magically-”

“I’ve got a lot on my mind,” Magnus says wearily. “And sometimes people with a lot on their minds, Jace, do tend to forget things. Okay? Like the fact that picking up half-finished cigarettes off the ground to smoke is actually a sign of a very serious lapse in their judgement.”

“No,” Jace says firmly. 

“No, what?” Magnus frowns at him. He’s already been doing a soft version of that for the whole time they’ve been talking, since disclosing he’s apparently newly keyless, and perhaps by now his expression should be something more akin to a glare; but on Magnus, somehow, it’s not that at all. Jace thinks that it’s just a stare. Magnus is just staring at Jace.

“There’s no way I'm sharing this with you,” Jace says. “It’s not my fault you locked your smokes inside your apartment too. As well as your keys.”

“I’ve got more in the car,” Alec attempts to insert into the conversation. 

Magnus doesn’t ignore Alec as such, but he also doesn’t take his eyes off Jace. “I gave you one earlier,” Magnus says pointedly to Jace, who’s by now feeling decidedly homed in on by Magnus. And not unpleasantly so. “You owe me a cigarette. A _whole_ one.”

“I gave you a light,” Jace says. “I don’t owe you anything. We’re square.” 

The ash from the remnant cigarette is beginning to burn the tips of Jace’s fingers. So, with the last bitter taste of the now-burning filter on his tongue, he drops the spent butt of Alec’s last Winfield for a final time to the asphalt, and firmly stamps it out with his boot. “Alright,” Jace says, holding out his now-empty hand toward Magnus, the tips of his fingers still hot and his mind sharp again. “Give me your wallet.”

Magnus’ eyes widen in blatant surprise. “Excuse me?”

“Give me your wallet,” Jace repeats. “C’mon.” He rubs the tips of his fingers together. “Give it to me.”

The gesture does nothing at all to sway Magnus away from anything other than pure shock. “What on earth are you doing now, mugging me?”

“Of course I’m not mugging you,” Jace says plainly. “I just need your wallet. Hand it over.”

“Jace,” Alec attempts again.

“I am absolutely not giving you my wallet,” Magnus reinforces, squaring his shoulders; the far more characteristic posture returning and all traces of his earlier vulnerability now snatched back up in a controlled, but very distinct, display of pride. 

Jace’s heart gives up a little flutter at that. Ever since they’d first begun conversing at the bus stop, it had been threatening to do that; in the Uber, when he’d let the thought that Magnus was hot form itself in his mind, something like his heart reminding Jace that it was there had been just as eminent. Now here it is again, that feeling. Not a feeling of control, not a drive, although he’s got that too. It’s the feeling he’s so often always tried to mask a little whenever he’s with Alec; Jace’s pulse quickens and that has absolutely nothing to do with nicotine. “Why not?” he asks, bravado still dominating his voice. But there’s a little shake in it too and Jace wonders if Magnus has heard it. Hopes that Magnus has heard it.

“I’m not giving an addict anything,” Magnus says. “Two can play at this game, darling.”

“You gave one a cigarette,” Jace retorts. “And who the hell are you to call _me_ an addict? Huh? Give me a break. You’re not exactly-”

“Alright, alright,” Alec forcibly interrupts this time as Jace feels a firming hand close around his still-proffered wrist. “Jace, what in the fuck are you actually doing? You’re being an asshole, okay? He’s locked himself out! Cut him some slack.”

The words remind Jace of something else he’s been working towards. He glances at Alec. “You got, like a…like, a first aid kit?” he asks him. “In the Uber? You got scissors?”

Alec frowns. “Scissors? Jace, really-”

“Oh my god,” Magnus interjects. “Please do not give this person anything even remotely sharp-”

“Yeah, scissors,” Jace says to Alec.

Alec looks doubtful but he does turn and walk away toward the car and Jace goes back to looking at Magnus. “Okay, listen... Are you listening?” Magnus is looking. “Magnus?” 

The syllables hang in the cool, early night air. For just long enough for Jace to realise that this is the first time he’s ever said Magnus' name aloud. Magnus studies Jace again. As though this fact is not lost on him either. And after nearly a full minute, Magnus sighs deeply and says, “Okay, Jace. I’m listening.”

Jace inhales the fresh air. And then he sighs too. The sound of it leaving his body marked by a quiver. And, like earlier, he wonders if Magnus can hear that faint thing too, there in his voice, that signals there’s more to him than just the frustration and desperation that seems to be defining him on this day. The first day he’s spent trying so hard to regain control, if control’s a thing he ever had. He hopes he had it once. He hopes that with that something like his heart. “You don’t have to give me your whole wallet, okay?” he says to Magnus quietly. “Before, when I said that, it’s not what I meant, I…I didn’t say it right.”

“I was never going to give you any part of my wallet, Jace,” Magnus answers just as quietly. “I don’t know you. And I did actually think for a moment there that you may have been trying to mug me. Although, then I remembered that you know Alexander. Somehow. So, I wondered that. I did wonder that. If, perhaps, like him sometimes, you simply aren’t able to always say what you mean.”

Jace swallows. “Have you just got, like, one card?” he asks. “Just one card that you don’t need, you know? Or don’t use anymore? I only need one, I’m… I didn’t… Ah, fuck it, nevermind... You can use my phone, or Alec’s... I think I left mine in the Uber, I’ll go check-”

Magnus' face darkens. His eyes flick toward the car where Alec is still busy rummaging, searching for scissors. Magnus lowers his voice to barely a murmur. “My driver license,” he whispers to Jace, reaching out for his wrist. Not quite touching it though. Almost touching. Gesturing for him to stay.

Jace holds his gaze for another moment. Understanding flickering between the two of them. Jace gives Magnus the faintest of nods.

“Yeah, okay,” he whispers back. “If you’re sure, then, that’ll do fine. I promise... I know what I’m doing, I promise.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus has locked himself out. Jace has offered to break him back in. Alec is searching for scissors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for so long between updates. I hope you enjoy this and thank you for checking it out <3

Magnus slides his wallet from the pocket of his sleeveless blue denim jacket. He opens it, removes his license, and passes it over to Jace, who reaches out to get it.

Their fingertips touch and seem, to Jace, to linger for much longer than is strictly needed to pass a license from one person’s hand to another’s. It reminds Jace of watching Magnus earlier with Alec, passing his bank card across the roof of the Uber.

“Do you do this sort of stuff on purpose?” Jace asks.

“Do what sort of stuff on purpose?” Magnus answers.

“Don’t start this again,” Jace huffs. “You know what I mean, just be _real..._ Give me honest answers and quit playing games-”

“I'm only as real as you are with me, Jace," Magnus says. "But, for a while now, I have been giving you honest answers. And, to be honest, I do like to play _some_ games. But if you think I'm _toying_ with you now, then I apologize. It's not my intention to play those kinds of games. It could be my intention to play something else, though. But only if it's what you want too.”

Sincerity laces his voice. The dark look of earlier is gone and replaced by the fledgling of a smile now playing across his lips. And he’s still holding the license too, and still touching Jace’s fingertips. He still hasn't finished passing it over but Jace is not done yet either, with accepting it. Magnus is right; he is still parrying. But Jace isn’t fighting Magnus anymore. Jace is fighting a smile he’s not sure he’s ready to return him just yet.

Not because he doesn’t want to, though. And not because he hasn’t found him amusing before now or because this new round of flirting doesn’t make his stomach backflip. Like it had when Magnus suggested Jace had been his chaperone. Or when their boot toes had touched.

It's because what's happening now does make Jace do those things: does make him want to return his smile and does amuse him. Does make him want more of Magnus. More of what he's never allowed himself to have with Alec.

Without being able to articulate it properly, Jace had chaperoned Magnus here. And even when it happened Jace knew that he liked his boot toe touched. And now Jace is also knowing this: doing this and liking it just as much. He is willfully holding Magnus' license too long so their fingertips can keep on touching too.

Jace runs his tongue around his teeth as his eyes dash skyward, nervous. Then they return to looking at Magnus. He hasn’t changed positions. Their fingers are still touching; Jace can feel them still pressed together. He looks down at their hands.

“You wear a lot of rings,” he comments, studying Magnus’ fingers, inspecting them.

Jace fixates on a long piece of silver jewelry on Magnus’ right-hand ring finger. The jewelry looks to be hinged, jointed over his knuckle. It reminds Jace of pictures of knights; illustrations in storybooks. 

The smile he's been fighting vanishes. Jace swallows, attempting to regain composure, blinking his eyes hard. Not to clear them yet though. Just to predict he might need to. And his throat is tight when he says, “The silversmithing is really nice on this one... Reminds me of armor...knights and jousting and swords and stuff...you know?” 

“Thank you,” Magnus says quietly. “I’m very fond of that one. I think it reminds me of medieval things too. It's a gauntlet.”

Magnus' finger shifts a little so that the ring touches the tip of one of Jace’s fingers. Jace moves that finger, only a fraction at first. But, in not long, it’s by so much that he’s stroking over the top of the ring, feeling the way the fine metal plates fit together seamlessly like scales. “Was it expensive?” Jace asks.

“I never buy cheap things, Jace,” Magnus answers. "I never buy cheap things _ever_."

Jace looks up from their hands for a minute, searching for something to say. But he’s finding it hard to breathe. Hard to claim a breath he could say something with. Hard to focus on what exactly they're doing out here; why they're here, what his plan was a moment ago. Why he's suddenly become so fascinated by a gauntlet ring on Magnus' finger. Jace frowns. He's stuck.

“Perhaps,” Magnus says softly, “We should sit down together, Jace? Do you think that would make it easier to do whatever it is you plan to with my license? Now that you have it?”

Magnus releases the license and Jace watches his hand drop away from his own. There’s a little rendered wall nearby, around hip-height, inlaid with numerous mailboxes; Magnus goes and leans against it. “Jace?”

Jace inhales another lungful of fresh air. His eyes flick over to Alec who is still rummaging through the Uber. He looks back to Magnus who has spread his arms out either side of himself, making a home of the little rendered wall; ankles crossed and looking back at Jace through the relative dark of the car park. “I really need a cigarette, Jace.”

They're like magic words to Jace’s ears and again he’s reminded of something from a storybook. He’s no idea what it is. But his boots do take him over to Magnus and he leans against the little rendered wall too, half sitting; mimicking Magnus. Magnus shifts one arm to make room for Jace so that now the hand with the gauntlet ring rests casually beside Jace’s upper thigh. Within easy reach of Jace.

“So, once you have the scissors,” Magnus asks, “Do you think this will take a long time?” 

Jace takes another deep breath, adjusting himself by shifting his shoulders and feet. Rolling his neck a little until, in the end, the stretch that maybe wasn’t entirely necessary - just like the way the two of them had the license held between them for so long earlier - means he winds up looking at Magnus. So maybe that means it was very necessary. “You’ve never picked a lock?” Jace asks.

Magnus looks scandalized and Jace feels it happen again, the thing he's been fighting; the twitch at the corners of his mouth that he knows is the smile he's been containing. The one thing, apart from the drinking, that he's managed to control successfully today. And ironically the one thing, apart from the drinking, that he can afford to lose control of now. 

“Alright, alright,” Jace says, smiling. “So you don’t pick locks, okay, I got it... You’re not an accountant and you don’t pick locks.”

“And I like to be chaperoned home,” Magnus adds, uncrossing his ankles and moving one boot so that when it stops, it stops next to Jace’s. And Jace doesn’t move his own boot away. He moves so their boots can touch again. Because he's always liked it when they do. “So how did you learn to pick locks?”

Jace stares down at the license. Turns it over in his hands so that it flips between the side showing Magnus’ mugshot and the one showing his birth year. Jace stops on the side of the birth year. “Are you really this old?”

Magnus chuckles. “You know, you are a very infuriating person, Jason.”

Jace chuckles. "My real name is actually _Jonathan_ ," he says quietly. "But please don't ever call me that, okay?"

"I promise I will never call you _Jonathan_ , Jason," Magnus says. “Can I ask you something though?"

"You can ask it so long as you don't make me answer," Jace conditions.

"Okay," Magnus agrees. "How do you know Alexander?”

Jace releases a very slow breath.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Magnus reminds him quickly, placing his hand on Jace's thigh gently and giving it a light squeeze, as the sound of a car door closing makes them both look up.

Alec is walking toward them. Jace can see the gleam of a pair of scissors in one hand and hear the soft jangle his car keys make; they are held in his other.

“I got good news and bad news,” Alec says, extending the scissors Jace's way. “Bad news is, I’m all out of cigarettes. I could go to the store though. It’s only a block from here.”

Alec and Magnus exchange glances. Magnus removes his hand from Jace's thigh and stands up; and Jace watches the two of them kiss. A slow kiss that Magnus spends with the hand he's just had on Jace's thigh now curved around Alec’s cheek. And that Alec spends with both of his arms slung around Magnus' waist, hands slipped beneath the hem of Magnus' sleeveless blue denim jacket.

After a moment, they break away. Alec is smiling and so is Magnus.

“I swear, I won’t be long,” Alec says to Jace. “Like, five minutes, okay? You call me if you need to, yeah?” He passes Jace his phone. "Found this in there, too."

Jace accepts the phone, along with the scissors, and the idea that Alec is willfully leaving him and Magnus alone.

"Okay," he says, as oceans of feelings rise inside Jace and Magnus sits down beside him again.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec has gone to buy more cigarettes. Time for Magnus and Jace to start a heart-to-heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for checking this out again! I hope you enjoy it <3
> 
> There's some pretty heavy angst in this chapter and the next one too as they both start to tell their stories.

Jace wastes no time; he passes the license straight back to Magnus. “Could you hold this for a minute?” 

Magnus’ jaw nearly hits the asphalt. “Jace, haven’t we just spent-”

“It’s literally just for a minute, I swear it. I just need two hands to do this.”

Magnus sighs and Jace holds his breath, but Magnus does accept the license back. So Jace does proceed to break the scissors. Further lamentations issue in his ear but Jace just brushes them aside; the scissor blades are separated now and he can better see the head of the small silver swivel that was holding them together a moment ago. 

“I only need the screw inside,” he mutters, digging the nail of his forefinger underneath the swivel, and popping it off. Then slipping his nail into the tiny groove in the head of the screw he’s just uncovered; Jace begins to slowly unwind it.

“Well, you didn’t have to break them,” Magnus is imploring him. “I’m very good at all things even remotely to do with screwing, Jace. If you’d asked me first, perhaps I could have-”

“It’s just quicker like this, alright?” Jace says. “Don’t you wanna get inside?”

He pauses the unwinding and their eyes meet. Jace’s stomach does another little backflip. He feels his face warm so he looks down quickly, returning to the tiny head on the screw. “Medical scissors are delicate, Magnus,” Jace mumbles. “Haven’t you ever used a first aid kit? I’m surprised at that, actually. I thought you were experienced-”

“I _have_ used one of those, thank you,” Magnus says very quietly. Then he adds, “I’m just not also in the habit of vandalizing their various components.”

Jace swallows. “Yeah, well, two years of Paramedicine’ll make you resourceful when it comes to hardware. Software too, if you know what I mean.”

“Not really,” Magnus admits. “If I were to hazard a guess, though, I would say that it sounds like you’re trying to make some kind of vague sexual innuendo with a remark such as that. Although it’s possible you could also be attempting to disclose to me that you have multitudinous substance abuse issues, and not just one of them. Either way, Jace, I would completely understand. But I thought you said you painted houses? Aren’t we supposed to be passed the stage now of-”

“Yeah,” Jace sighs, before taking another deep lungful of the fresh night air. Hoping those are numbered, though, and that very soon he’ll be either filling his lungs with smoke from cigarettes bummed from Magnus or smoke from cigarettes bummed from Alec. Or, better yet, cigarettes bummed from both of them. “I do paint houses but Paramedicine’s a three-year degree. So you don’t get to do Paramedicine if you only do two years. If you only do two years, you wind up painting houses. Make sense now?”

“I didn’t think you’d been to college,” Magnus says, his voice growing quiet again and distinctly surprised. 

“I never said that,” Jace mumbles. “I didn’t flunk out. That’s all. There are other ways they kick you out of college.”

For several minutes, Magnus stays quiet. Jace just continues the job on the scissors. And the way Magnus continues to sit next to him now, as he does it, reminds Jace of the way that Alec does that too. When he does do that, he hasn't done it in a while; earlier, when Alec put his arm around Jace, and then when Jace tried to kiss him, those were the first times they’d been physically close in a month. 

“I just need to get,” Jace mumbles, when he thinks he’s almost done the trick, “Ah… There it goes...” 

Jace drops the broken scissor blades to the ground, sans the tiny silver screw. Without looking at Magnus, he proffers his hand toward him, palm facing up. Their shoulders brush against each other and something inside Jace’s belly gives up another little flutter. “Can you give it back now? Please?” 

Magnus passes his license back to Jace, who makes a quick assessment and then presses the sharp point at the end of the screw into the plastic of the card, attempting to gain a purchase there so that he can start to make a small hole.

“Jace,” Magnus says after a few more moments elapse, of Jace re-attempting to gain the purchase on the plastic he needs to begin because it’s tricky, “Do you know that it would be okay if you didn’t know what you’re doing? I could call a locksmith, it would really be fine. I wouldn’t think any less of you. I have actually locked myself out before. And it didn’t really take that long for somebody to get here and help me get back in.”

“Oh,” Jace mumbles again, still engrossed in the screw and the license, but he’s nearly there. “So, you really don’t trust me, huh? Thought you said we were supposed to be passed the stage of-”

“Jace,” Magnus sighs, putting his hand on Jace’s thigh again, just as the tip of the screw starts to finally stick. “Please look at me?”

Jace turns the screw once. Just enough to start the hole off. Then, careful to keep the card and the screw together so they don’t slip away from each other, he looks up at Magnus again.

“When we get the door open,” Magnus says, “You will come inside for a little while, won’t you?”

“If you really want me to,” Jace says. “If Alec wants me to. I don’t think you trust me to get you inside though.”

“I want you to,” Magnus whispers. “I want you to come inside. And I do trust you to get me inside. And you still haven’t told me how you know Alexander...”

Jace shifts on the wall. His hands are still full of the screw and the license. 

Magnus shifts on the wall too. He turns his body in, a little more towards Jace. His hand is still on Jace’s thigh.

“Do you remember how we met?” Magnus asks.

“At the bus stop,” Jace murmurs.

“No,” Magnus reminds, shaking his head and looking so intently into Jace’s eyes now that it’s hard to even remember to hold on to what he has in his hands, let alone remember how he might've met Magnus if it wasn't at the bus stop. His head starts to swim again. He needs a drink. “Jace, we met at the meeting.”

Jace frowns. His hands falter and the screw slips out of the small hole he’s begun. He still has a hold of it but his mind is not really on this task anymore. It’s back on Alec. “We didn’t really meet there, though,” Jace differs. “We met later… You didn’t say a word to me in that meeting, Magnus. I remember.”

“I noticed you, though,” Magnus says.

“I noticed you too,” Jace whispers.

“Do you know what I noticed about you, Jace?”

“No,” he admits. “Maybe that... Well, maybe that I was new there, I guess. Was it that?”

“Yes,” Magnus admits. “I definitely did notice that. I definitely noticed that you were new there, but I was new there too... A little bit... Jace, have you ever been to rehab before?”

He blinks. “No.” His voice is just down to a whisper again.

“I have,” Magnus says. 

His eyes are soft and earnest. For the first time, Jace feels like there is absolutely no trace now of anything deceptive in any atom in him. Nor, even if he tried, could Jace even remotely argue that there had ever been that in him anywhere. Not in his tone, not in his words. And least of all not in his eyes. Jace can see Magnus’ whole heart inside his eyes. And, also for the first time, Jace thinks he can see what Alec sees in Magnus. 

Not just the confidence, not just the pride. Not just the experience or empathy. Not just the things that Jace knows by now that he himself sees. It’s that same flash of what Jace saw when Magnus approached him and said he had locked himself outside. Beneath all his bravado, Magnus’ heart is as soft as Alec’s. And beneath all the ways that Jace has perceived Magnus as perfect, and even as imperfectly perfect - cool and suave and sexy, and maybe just a little bit dangerous too - in the short time he’s known Magnus this is the first time that Jace really knows that Magnus is as broken inside as Jace is. And maybe just a little bit as dangerous too.

“How many times?” Jace asks him.

“Several,” Magnus admits. 

“So...doesn’t work so well for you? Or...do you just keep fucking it up? What… Well, what happens? How come you keep needing to keep on going back? Is it a court order or something?”

“I go to AA voluntarily, Jace.”

Jace blinks. It takes him a moment to register that. “You… You what?”

“I go to AA voluntarily, Jace,” Magnus says again. “I have always gone there like that.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus shares his story with Jace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW on this chapter for past character death (Camille), past Magnus/Camille, recollections of past road trauma, and driving under the influence.
> 
> It’s a little bit sad but I hope you enjoy it. Thank you for checking this out <3

Jace has no idea when it happened but one of his hands is halfway through his hair, empty of the screw; he’s dropped it. And by the time he realizes that, his other hand is empty too; he’s dropped Magnus’ semi-punctured license as well. 

Both little objects are probably just there beside their boots on the asphalt, next to the bisected scissors. In a different moment, Jace would definitely bend down to search for them all, and pick them all up, but he can’t take his eyes off Magnus now. What he’s just said is beyond the realms of Jace’s soberest comprehension.

“Why?” he asks, not quite dumbstruck but close. “Just… Why the hell would anybody go to AA voluntarily?”

Magnus takes a very deep breath. “Ten years ago, I was married, Jace. I met my wife in college. Just before I flunked out of Accountancy. Falling in love tends to have that effect. Have you ever been in love?”

“Yeah,” Jace murmurs. "Yes."

“My wife and I were driving home. We had both been drinking. Camille insisted on driving. She said she’d had less than me. And to this day, I think she was right. I think she really had drunk a lot less than I had that night. So we waited a bit. Just to be sure. We’d been at a show in New York City. We were living, then, in Jersey. So we got a bite in a diner and even talked about getting a room. Or getting an Uber back... Although, back then, those weren’t called that. Before Uber, there were just cabs. So, we considered getting a cab.”

“But you didn’t?”

“No,” Magnus says. “No, we didn’t.”

Jace runs a hand through his hair again. “Jesus fucking christ… You know, you don’t have to tell me about this if you don’t want to, it’s really fine, Magnus... I will totally call you a locksmith right now, I swear it, okay? No more of this fuckin’ around, I promise...”

Magnus still has a hand on Jace’s thigh. But as he’s been speaking, his grip on that has changed. It was never really that: a grip. It was a touch that was sure and reassuring. But it’s neither of those things anymore. Magnus has curled his hand so that only one finger, his forefinger, is exposed to the night, and the top of it is playing with the weave on Jace’s jeans. 

Jace wonders how intentional that is. It seems like the kind of thing Jace himself would do to distract himself from wanting a cigarette when he’s out, has none, and there’s nobody left to scab any from. Or in order to distract himself from wanting a drink. The kind of thing they teach you in rehab. Strategies for how to stay present.

“I do want to, Jace,” Magnus says. “I do want to tell you but if it’s upsetting, I’ll stop.”

“Have you told Alec this?”

“No,” Magnus whispers.

Jace swallows. And then he does it again because he doesn't know what to say to that. But maybe that is best. Saying nothing. He looks down at Magnus' finger, still playing with the weave on his jeans. He reaches out and very cautiously touches his own forefinger to Magnus’. 

Magnus doesn’t pull his hand away. “She drove fine,” he continues. “Camille was actually an excellent driver and we were almost home. Driving down I-287. And then a truck crossed over the median strip and onto our side of the highway. There’s a section, just after Suffern and the border, where it’s just down to two lanes. Camille died instantly. They said she didn’t feel any pain. And I wasn’t really even harmed. Just two little scars beneath my eyes-”

“Windshield?” Jace mutters.

Magnus nods. “I’m told they’re hardly visible now.”

He looks up at Jace with eyes that expect one of two things. At least, that’s what Jace feels like they look like they’re expecting. Exactly how Jace has probably looked a million times over, and under a million people’s eyes. But the only ones he’s thinking of now are Alec’s. And mostly, Alec never judged Jace. Mostly. It was really only ever that very last time. 

Jace thinks about that - all the _mostly_ but also that one very last time when it wasn’t - while he stares not at the faint scars he can see on Magnus, smattered by coloured, luminous powders, but into Magnus’ eyes. And then, after a few moments pass, Jace says the thing he knows that he'd want to hear. Not the truth at all. Just the _mostly_. “All I can see is you, Magnus.”

Magnus' guarded expression melts away and in its place is the soft and earnest look from before. Several things are added to it this time though. Magnus’ eyes are damp and his lips, which seem to be caught between a smile and a gasp, are trembling. Jace would bet his last cigarette that’s what they’re doing. If he had any smokes left. If he and Magnus were in a place where one of them could scab some. If Alec was back, and they could scab some from him.

“Sometimes,” Magnus whispers, “I think that if I had driven then perhaps I might have rounded a corner faster or slower than she did. Stopped for just one second longer at an intersection. Maybe pulled over to pee. Maybe just stopped to kiss her. And the truck might have sailed by while we tongued. But it didn’t. That didn’t happen. But, Jace, maybe I could have made it happen like that?”

“Maybe,” he murmurs. “Maybe not though.”

“In AA, people are supposed to just stop and they're never meant to start up ever again but I just can’t seem to stay that way,” he confides. “Stopping works for a little while but in truth I feel lost without it, Jace… I think back to when Camille and I were married. To all of the memories I can conjure in my mind that are colored by alcohol. And they’re not bad. Mostly. They're not bad memories, mostly they're all very good. It’s how we bonded… And, Jace, it’s so strange because when I met Alec I felt like that was, in a way, how we bonded too.”

“Magnus,” Jace murmurs. “Alec… Alec doesn’t drink.”

“I know,” he says, his voice still low. “Did you know that we met each other online?”

“No,” Jace says. “I had no idea he knew you. I had no idea he... Well, that he was dating... I haven’t even seen him in a month...”

“Jace.” Magnus’ hand uncurls and his palm flattens against the weave of Jace’s jeans again. “Please tell me more about you?”

He sighs. If Alec was here, Jace would not even start to think to say this. A little because Alec already knows it all and it would feel completely redundant to say it. It had been relayed to him by others, never Jace. And there was something about that which really screwed Jace up. But Jace isn’t saying it to Alec now and it’s mostly because of that he can. Entirely. It’s entirely true that Jace can say this because he isn’t saying it to Alec.

“I lost my license,” he confesses to Magnus. “I was driving erratically, that’s what they said. Tried to talk my way out of it at first. But… That just seemed to make them more convinced that they were gonna test me.”

“So you blew over the limit?”

“Yeah.” Jace shifts uncomfortably on the wall. “I didn’t crash, nobody... Well, you know... No one was hurt... I feel really bad about that.” He laughs wryly. “I didn’t even fucking crash anything!”

“You feel bad because you didn’t hurt anyone?” Magnus asks.

“I... That didn’t come out right. I... I feel bad for just _doing_ it,” he answers. “I feel bad for just thinking that I could even just _do_ that, you know? That night, I just... I...” Jace shifts again on the wall. The words are there. But one thing is missing. Only the _mostly_ is easy to say without Alec. Jace takes a deep breath. Pushing the real truth back down. “Anyway... You, though? You, you’re... Well, you’re going to AA because you feel guilty and you didn’t even fucking do anything wrong? Shit... You’re letting me ruin a driver licence you could still be using! What’d the truck driver blow anyway? And before you say anything-”

“The truck driver wasn’t drunk,” Magnus answers soberly. “They had taken amphetamines.”

“Fuck… Fucking hell...”

“Do that for ten years and you’ll be where I am, Jace.”

Their hands still rest together on Jace’s thigh. Their faces are still near enough that Jace can see the way Magnus’ eyeliner catches in the creases around his eyes. He looks tired.

“I should get you inside,” Jace murmurs to him, feeling around with his boot toe on the asphalt for the card, the scissor bits, and the screw. 


End file.
